Who Says?…Navigating Societal Expectations with Authenticity

How many “shoulds” are you dragging along your journey?

What if it’s time to put them all down?

Why do we do this to ourselves?!

In a world teeming with shoulds and musts, carving out a space for your authentic self can feel like an uphill battle. Societal expectations, those silent dictators of how we should live, look, and love, often lead us astray from our true paths. As a therapist deeply rooted in the transformative powers of psychodrama, EMDR, and somatic therapy, I've witnessed firsthand the dissonance between societal molds and the authentic self. Today, let's explore how we can navigate these waters, not by swimming against the current, but by finding our own stream to follow.

The pressure to conform to societal expectations can manifest in various aspects of our lives, from our career choices to our relationships, often leaving us feeling lost or disconnected from who we truly are. This disconnection not only impacts our mental health but can also manifest physically, as our bodies bear the burden of unspoken truths and unfulfilled desires.

I want you to take a moment an think about all the things you “should” yourself about. “I should be working right now.” “I should be doing fancy crafts with my kids.” “I should be reading instead of watching tv.” Who says? Whose voice is telling you all the things you should do and how what you’re doing is not enough. Those voices often start much younger than we think. At a very early age, we begin creating narratives about ourselves and the world around us. I grew up in a single mom household with a mother who looked like Claire Huxtable, graduated college in three years at the top of her class, commanded corporate America, and kept a spotless home. And here I was, a plump, chocolate little girl who daydreamed too much and didn’t know how to keep her room tidy to save her life. I went to mostly white schools where I was either told I was black and that was bad or that I was a different kind of black girl and that’s the only thing that made me good. I had a family full of strong, stoic individuals who had overcome traumas and atrocities that I couldn’t even fathom, while never shedding a tear, and I was unglued for days when Artex died in NeverEnding Story (I’m really still not ok). I was full of “shoulds”. And I’m 41, so I didn’t grow up in the social media era. I can’t imagine how that would have impacted me.

I was constantly trying to fit in and fix myself to be what whoever was in front of me possibly wanted me to be. I wasn’t asking them because then they would know I was not who I already was pretending to be. This left me anxious, depressed, and suffering from codependency, while knowing deep down that I was more, and that more deserved to be seen. It was a total mind-fuck…and then I started doing my work.

My first deep dive was through the healing work of Psychodrama. Psychodrama is the therapeutic art of putting healing into action. Psychodrama offers a powerful avenue for exploring the roles we play in our lives, many of which are scripted by societal expectations. By enacting these roles in a therapeutic setting, individuals can see and feel the dissonance between their actions and their authentic selves. This method allows for a profound reconnection with the parts of ourselves we've been taught to ignore or suppress in favor of societal approval. I’ve experienced and led psychodramas in a group, individual, corporate and intensive setting and it is one of the most profound modalities I’ve ever witnessed. There is something about being able to “play it out” that completes the stress cycle, brings clarity and catharsis, and also helps us step into accountability.

Through my work in psychodrama I realized that I had picked up all these narratives and messages and just started trying to shove them all into my brain as the different roles I “should” play. As a result, I had never had the opportunity to figure out what I like and who I really want to be. Anytime my soul even considered stepping into a role that I hadn’t gathered from someone else, I would shame that part of me back down and try harder as someone else. Psychodrama allowed me to see that cycle differently, grieve for the little girl who needed to be told “you are enough just as you are” and begin to learn myself then and now. And surprise surprise…I didn’t throw it all away. I was able to right size some of those other roles and begin to integrate my authentic self into who I had learned to be in the world.

If this resonates for you, I want you to challenge yourself to assess your current roles; look at all your “shoulds”. Consider who you believe you have to be and then ask yourself “Who says?”. What if you get to decide how you show up as a parent, employee, business owner, or believer? What if you release the parts of those roles that leave you exhausted and drained and resentful and lean into the parts that you love? What if you allowed yourself to sit with the reality that the people in your life don’t need performances and would prefer connection? Spend some time journaling, meditating, drawing or just considering these questions and see how you may be able to lighten the burden of societal expectations and step more freely into the life you truly deserve.

If you’re curious about psychodrama groups or intensives, please contact me to see how I can better support you.

Welcome to the Haven

What if the journey is also beautiful?

Let's navigate the waters of life together, unapologetically authentic and free.

Hello Beautiful Souls!

In an effort to be more connected with my clients, colleagues and the global community, I’ve decided to begin writing a blog. I want to share more of my story and my wisdom with you all in hopes that it brings you self-love, compassion, perspective and joy. This will be a sacred space to learn and consider; to grow and rest. When I began my journey as a baby therapist back in the year 2009 (holy shit!), I had no idea where this journey would take me. I became a social worker because I saw how flawed the systems that were designed to protect children could be when good people got tired and burned out and I wanted to change it. I was young and thought I knew way more than I actually did. I was also stuck in my own unhealed trauma as a survivor of childhood physical, emotional and mental abuse. This looked like someone working incredibly hard to prove her worth and failing over and over again because I didn’t yet understand that worth is not proven; it’s inherent. So I was the little social worker who could. I overworked and then I overcompensated by medicating and mistreating myself and sometimes others. Then I would shame spiral and then jump back on the hamster wheel.

It wasn’t until I began to step into my true calling as a holistic experiential therapist, that I began to see how important it was to do my own work first. I learned to value myself and my calling. I started stepping into accountability and joy. I accepted that I struggle with codependency and learned how to set b-b-boundaries with myself and others. And ultimately, I began to fall madly in love with Courtney Leak.

I lost a lot on the way. I lost relationships, friends, and even family. The grief of losing others to reconnect to myself has many times threatened to pull me under, but if that is the cost of finding me, I’d pay it again in a second. So I hope that I can help others find themselves; their unshackled selves. The versions of them that aren’t tethered to the expectations of others, media, and society. The ones who choose their truth unapologetically because they know the price of living an unauthentic life will always be too expensive. The seers, the advocates, the rebels, the outsiders; I’m here for you. You are not alone and your freedom will be a beacon to your tribe.

So welcome to the Haven. A place to rediscover you and love what you find!