Who Says?…Navigating Societal Expectations with Authenticity
How many “shoulds” are you dragging along your journey?
What if it’s time to put them all down?
Why do we do this to ourselves?!
In a world teeming with shoulds and musts, carving out a space for your authentic self can feel like an uphill battle. Societal expectations, those silent dictators of how we should live, look, and love, often lead us astray from our true paths. As a therapist deeply rooted in the transformative powers of psychodrama, EMDR, and somatic therapy, I've witnessed firsthand the dissonance between societal molds and the authentic self. Today, let's explore how we can navigate these waters, not by swimming against the current, but by finding our own stream to follow.
The pressure to conform to societal expectations can manifest in various aspects of our lives, from our career choices to our relationships, often leaving us feeling lost or disconnected from who we truly are. This disconnection not only impacts our mental health but can also manifest physically, as our bodies bear the burden of unspoken truths and unfulfilled desires.
I want you to take a moment an think about all the things you “should” yourself about. “I should be working right now.” “I should be doing fancy crafts with my kids.” “I should be reading instead of watching tv.” Who says? Whose voice is telling you all the things you should do and how what you’re doing is not enough. Those voices often start much younger than we think. At a very early age, we begin creating narratives about ourselves and the world around us. I grew up in a single mom household with a mother who looked like Claire Huxtable, graduated college in three years at the top of her class, commanded corporate America, and kept a spotless home. And here I was, a plump, chocolate little girl who daydreamed too much and didn’t know how to keep her room tidy to save her life. I went to mostly white schools where I was either told I was black and that was bad or that I was a different kind of black girl and that’s the only thing that made me good. I had a family full of strong, stoic individuals who had overcome traumas and atrocities that I couldn’t even fathom, while never shedding a tear, and I was unglued for days when Artex died in NeverEnding Story (I’m really still not ok). I was full of “shoulds”. And I’m 41, so I didn’t grow up in the social media era. I can’t imagine how that would have impacted me.
I was constantly trying to fit in and fix myself to be what whoever was in front of me possibly wanted me to be. I wasn’t asking them because then they would know I was not who I already was pretending to be. This left me anxious, depressed, and suffering from codependency, while knowing deep down that I was more, and that more deserved to be seen. It was a total mind-fuck…and then I started doing my work.
My first deep dive was through the healing work of Psychodrama. Psychodrama is the therapeutic art of putting healing into action. Psychodrama offers a powerful avenue for exploring the roles we play in our lives, many of which are scripted by societal expectations. By enacting these roles in a therapeutic setting, individuals can see and feel the dissonance between their actions and their authentic selves. This method allows for a profound reconnection with the parts of ourselves we've been taught to ignore or suppress in favor of societal approval. I’ve experienced and led psychodramas in a group, individual, corporate and intensive setting and it is one of the most profound modalities I’ve ever witnessed. There is something about being able to “play it out” that completes the stress cycle, brings clarity and catharsis, and also helps us step into accountability.
Through my work in psychodrama I realized that I had picked up all these narratives and messages and just started trying to shove them all into my brain as the different roles I “should” play. As a result, I had never had the opportunity to figure out what I like and who I really want to be. Anytime my soul even considered stepping into a role that I hadn’t gathered from someone else, I would shame that part of me back down and try harder as someone else. Psychodrama allowed me to see that cycle differently, grieve for the little girl who needed to be told “you are enough just as you are” and begin to learn myself then and now. And surprise surprise…I didn’t throw it all away. I was able to right size some of those other roles and begin to integrate my authentic self into who I had learned to be in the world.
If this resonates for you, I want you to challenge yourself to assess your current roles; look at all your “shoulds”. Consider who you believe you have to be and then ask yourself “Who says?”. What if you get to decide how you show up as a parent, employee, business owner, or believer? What if you release the parts of those roles that leave you exhausted and drained and resentful and lean into the parts that you love? What if you allowed yourself to sit with the reality that the people in your life don’t need performances and would prefer connection? Spend some time journaling, meditating, drawing or just considering these questions and see how you may be able to lighten the burden of societal expectations and step more freely into the life you truly deserve.
If you’re curious about psychodrama groups or intensives, please contact me to see how I can better support you.